oh it is a moment to cry

at one point a man that i loved fiercely accused me of abandoning him. today i received an email that proved to me that i did the right thing. he was a beautiful bird that i tried to keep in a cage. i didn't do it on purpose, i still don't know how i did it. i think i just paid too much attention to him. he started gnawing off his own leg as they say, and i saw it and knew i had to throw him out. i had tried to open the cage, but he never flew out, which i took to mean that he didn't want to go. but he needed to go. so i threw him out.

and now he has nice new feathers. he is happy. just like i always wanted.

and all i can do is come here to my secret place to cry and put these stupid words down. who knows why i want to share them. maybe i need to throw them out too. i need them to be gone from me. it is hard to believe that the happiness of someone i have loved so deeply can make me this sad. or maybe it is because i know that i wanted so much for him to find this happiness sooner, so we could get on with being so mad for each other.

alas. we don't get to pick these things do we? we can only see them, or sense them and wait. like when you plant bulbs in october. you know they're there, and you're pretty sure that they will bloom, but you just have to wait. and sometimes they don't, not because they hate you, but because sometimes that is just what they do, they don't-bloom.