where do words go when no one knows they're there?

it's hard to get words out these days. i have filled whole journals with romantic rubbish and never minded before. but now it feels like every word has to be worthy of print, every song ready to record. god there are thousands of pages of garbage for every one word worthy of repeat in the world. why can't i let myself remember that?

so this is my place. this is my secret place to cry. to be romantic, or rubbish. to pose the questions i cannot bear to ask of any person. what's compelled me to this place was a sleepless night and a day paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough for the world. not skinny enough. not smart enough, prepared enough, happy enough. it took me until 6pm to shower. and then i dressed and got right back onto my bed. sitting here with my computer. but i have all 80's all the time turned on. so that is helping me want to be alive.

the truth for me right now is that the world feels like more than i can carry. there is too much to feel, too much to fix, too much wrong. and so many people to love. i am flooded with the desire to love, and it literally is washing me into nothing. like on the beach when you write a word in the wet sand and watch the waves slowly wash over it - it becomes harder and harder to see and then it disappears.

i like that analogy because i like the ocean. i mean i really like the ocean. it is bigger than me. it has no name, no face. it neither loves nor hates me. it doesn't wash me away because it has some agenda. it is just doing as it does. like that tiger that escaped from the san francisco zoo. it was just being a tiger when it killed that boy. that's what tigers do.

i can't be perfect. okay? i can't live up to even my own expectations of who i ought to be. but today perfection is not what i'm asking. today all i'm asking is to be able to leave the house before it is midnight again. i keep trying at that. and i keep failing. ending up back here on the bed. on the computer. my eyes stinging. hiding here. hiding here where i am distracted from the fact that there is a world.